


Love in time of the Coronavirus

by Eilisande



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Deadpool - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Humor, Anti-Donald Trump, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Coronavirus, Humor, M/M, Quarantine, Trump Bashing, Wade Wilson Needs A Hug, X-force - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:21:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29049813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eilisande/pseuds/Eilisande
Summary: According to rumor, since Vanessa's disappearance, Wade is not doing well. To help him, Negasonic and Yukio decide it's time to create the X-Force he's been dreaming of. Too bad they do not realize the threat hanging over their heads and that Cable has forgotten the main event of the year 2020. Stuck in quarantine with Deadpool, the horror! Might as well try to distract him by finding a girlfriend for him to calm down. Except that Wade chooses to focus his attention on Cable ...
Relationships: Nathan Summers/Wade Wilson
Kudos: 27





	Love in time of the Coronavirus

**Author's Note:**

> Translation of my fic L'amour au temps du coronavirus

It hadn't started too badly. No one knew when things began to escalate, but it was probably from the minute Wade had been involved. 

Nothing new there. 

In his defense, no one could guess what was going to fall on humanity's shoulder. 

To understand what had happened, you have to go back to Deadpool's first futile attempt to create an X-Force and the almost accidental victory of a second ragged group of fucked-up against the Juggernaut. The group broke up the day it was born as if the Rollings Stones gave up after writing As tears go by. After that, nothing, nada. Negasonic and Yukio had left to finish their school year since the right to wear a personalized uniform wasn't accepted as a degree by any university. Russel had finally joined them to control his powers and prove to everyone that you could be fat and be a superhero and that the cult of thinness could go fuck itself. Domino left after winning the jackpot thirty times in Las Vegas, Cable embarked on an eco-terrorist crusade with a messianic tendency, and so on. Veni, vidi, vici, let's not get in touch. Bye-bye. Everyone had their own little things to do, after all. The small problem with the situation was that it left Wade Wilson on his own. First mistake. 

Someone recognised it wasn't a brilliant idea, but a bit late. Something like a year too late. Yukio and Negasonic were the first to realize this. They had an excuse. They'd been kidnapped with half of their promotion by the Broods while celebrating their graduation diploma. They'd spent months trapped in space. They relaxed for a few weeks and enjoyed each other without having to remove alien casings from their hair. Then, they wondered what Wade was going. It was the end of December. No one had heard from Wade for a few months, and everyone thought it was fantastic. Second mistake.

They decided to investigate, but the X-Men needed reinforcements to undermine Magneto's evil last plans, then Belasco's, then... It went until early February. Third mistake.  
They searched for Cable. The time traveller wasn't hard to find. You just had to be able to follow a trail of blood. They discovered him lying on a roof, his eye riveted on the rifle's scope that would allow him to suppress a shady businessman whose machinations would lead to the biggest chemical contamination in the country in 2024. 

"We need to talk", Negasonic said, positioning herself between him and his target. 

Cable sighed and shifted his rifle slightly to the right without losing sight of his target, deciding to pin that guy once the two girls were gone. Yukio smiled and pretended to accidentally get between him and his prey. 

"Hi Cable."

"The man who just entered this building is about to make a deal that will cause 17 million deaths in the medium term and inestimable damage in the long term."

"Not my priority for now," Negasonic said. "We need to talk about Wade."

Cable sighed and began to search his bag for the infrared glasses. He'd investigate, he knew where the meeting was taking place. He also knew where the corrupt man he had been following for weeks would sit. His bullets would easily pierce the glass wall. However, Yukio refused to move.  
"Not my priority either", he finally growled to make her leave. 

"He killed himself this morning."

"I'm sure he's better already."

"It was the third time this week."

Cable looked up. Negasonic smiled coldly at him.

"The first time he blew himself up with a Hydra base. The second he threw himself into the Hudson, hanging on an anchor. Should I continue? Or do I go back in time? Because there were some nice explosions before Hydra's one."

"He's been quiet lately," Yukio added, "but everyone who saw him or even heard of him this past six months told us he was dead. He faced the Hydra, AIM, the Hand... Mostly the Hydra. I don't know why the Hydra in particular, although I can't disapprove. These Nazis deserve it. He takes huge risks every time and gets himself killed more often than not."  
"It's almost the anniversary of his girlfriend's death. Personally, I bet he's going to try drowning himself in concrete, but maybe I should have put my money on lava."

"Negasonic !", Yukio was offended for their friend. 

Negasonic shrugged. 

"What? Wolverine bet on molten adamantium. I wasn't going to stay away from that game. Besides, Wade would probably be proud to see me bet on his death."

"A bullet in his head at his girlfriend's grave," Cable muttered. "He's a traditionalist and a drama queen."

He put away the infrared glasses. He didn't have the slightest chance of making a good shot before the papers were signed and decided to go for plan B. The two girls kept their eyes on him. They tried not to think too hard about what they had in mind. Cable didn't look great either. After all, Vanessa's death anniversary also corresponded to his family's loss, one or two hundred years from now. He too needed a distraction and a reminder that he didn't have to go through this on his own.  
"Obviously you have a plan," Cable sighed. "May I know what I have to do with all of this?"

"We must keep Wade busy until after the anniversary date and help him heal", explained Yukio. "If he's distracted and realizes he's not alone, he might begin to get better."

Cable turned to Negasonic who raised a sarcastic eyebrow. The young girl didn't really believe Yukio was right either, but she was ready to give it a try, at least to please Yukio and also because she felt something like a vague affection for Wade. As one feels pity for a dead dog on the road. 

"And you think you can have his attention, for what, two weeks?"

"A month, if we can. That way we'd be with him before and after the anniversary date."

Cable burst out laughing. 

"You really think something can hold Wade Wilson's attention for a whole month?"

Negasonic smiled. 

"Wade wants to look tough", she explained, "but what he really wants is a family. We'll give him what he wants to keep his attention away from Vanessa."

"And what he wants is?"

"X-Force."  
The two young girls let Cable think for a few moments, but he seemed more sceptical than anything else. 

"Who knows, it might even be useful for your projects, right?" Negasonic insisted. She was growing impatient. "Save the world from itself and all that mess. You may be from the future and better informed and armed than us, but that is not always enough. You might need a team to knock out bastards like this businessman."

"I thought the X-Men disapproved of murder and the use of force."

"And I thought you had met Wolverine since then. Murder is frowned upon by the X-Men, but sometimes it's unavoidable. Besides, you weren't planning on killing this guy."

Negasonic stepped aside and glared at him. Cable barely glanced at the opposite building.

"No, he admitted just before shooting. 

The bullet passed through the glass, which was deemed unbreakable, and crashed into the newly signed copies. Plan B had worked. And if the captain of industry didn't get the message, Cable had plenty of other bullets in store. Lots of different ways to scare him and making him understand. Negasonic raised a half-impressed, half-mocking eyebrow that she had worked hard on in front of her mirror. 

"Was it Wade who taught you to give people a second chance?"

Cable refused to answer the question, and she didn't insist. 

"X-Force, then", he said, putting his weapon back in its place and gathering his things. "And if this plan doesn't work?"

"X-Force", Negasonic confirmed. "And if it doesn't, we'll find him a new girlfriend. This is plan B."

"We're still working on plans C to E", Yukio smiled. "We're talking about Wade. Four contingency plans could be necessary."

Fourth mistake. Having contingency plans was seldom enough when it came to Wade. Five plans? They were underestimating his potential. And the three mutants left out one crucial detail. More accurately, a tiny detail which was going to take a planetary scale. 

"Very well," Cable decided. "Let's go stop this fool. But there's somewhere else I need to stop first. I have a tight schedule."

Fifth mistake.

  
They set off in search of Wade, but he had been surprisingly discreet since his last suicide. That was perhaps the most worrying. A quiet Wade just announced a bigger explosion downstream. It was a very, very bad sign. 

They followed a few false leads and made a few detours to make some people understand the revolutionary idea of leaving a better world for the generations to come before giving up all hope of finding Wade like that. So they decided to reform X-Force first and find Wade next. Colossus was easy enough to convince. The X-Men never wanted to see Wade at the mansion again, but keeping him under surveillance was imperative. X-Force was a satisfactory compromise. Xavier, however, refused to give them Russel before he'd finished his studies. Then they set off in search of Domino. She was easier to find, even without the X-Men's resources. It was even lucky for her that they'd found her just before she had some words with players who wanted their money back. When they found her, it was already March. 

"I hope we'll find Wade before he does anything stupid," Colossus sighed when they had finished teaching these idiots good manners. "Very worrying, this disappearance."

"Wade? He didn't disappear at all!", Domino wondered, tapping on her phone. "I saw a post on Twitter about him two hours ago. Someone photographed him at a Walmart in New Jersey."  
She showed them a photograph that was a bit fuzzy but clear enough to recognize Wade in his red and black suit, dragging two carts full of toilet paper behind him.

"Hashtag crazy costumes. It's the best way to find someone like Wade. And there are funny videos sometimes. Have you seen the one where a dog tries to bite Wolverine's butt?"

The two girls rushed to their phones to search frantically. 

"What does he wants with so much toilet paper?" Cable wondered. 

Colossus sighed with relief. 

"No explosive. Good news with Wade."

"I imagine he's making plans in case of confinement."

"Confinement?" Cable repeated, frowning.

The three women gave him an incredulous look. 

"Because of the coronavirus, of course. We've only been talking about that for two months all over the world."

There was a flash of recognition in Cable's eyes. 

"It's happening now?"

"You mean you know what day and what time a crooked businessman meets a corrupt politician but not when a pandemic, potentially the most deadly since the Spanish flu, started?"

Cable shrugged.

"Before I left, I made a list of things that I could prevent if I could not go back to my time. I can convince a man to give up his machinations, but not fight a virus."

"But you still knew it was going to happen?"

"The twenty-first century is the century of pandemics. Forgive me for mistaking the first one's date of appearance. There'll be one every two to five years for the next fifty years. I would have prevented it if we could stop people from being idiots. The people who store toilet paper are just the start. You really don't want to know what nonsense they'll come up with next. Let's go."

Yukio didn't move. She was thinking. 

"Wade sometimes plays the fool, but he's not one. Why does he make stocks like this?"

No one had an answer for her, but all agreed that they had to find Wade as soon as possible to ask him the question, and if necessary, prevent him from harming people. 

It was March 15th.

  
Despite Domino's presence, or because of her - her luck worked strangely sometimes - they wasted time along the way fighting anti-mutant supremacists and then a man disguised as a rhino who obviously was also looking for Deadpool because he mistook him for Spiderman. 

They wasted more time investigating. At least they learned that Wade was not only stocking toilet paper, but also pasta and other things. They mapped the stores where he'd been seen, eventually discovered the neighbourhood where he was hanging out and found themselves in front of a vast disused hangar. There was a chain around the door. Colossus broke it easily. 

"Empty", he said, looking inside.

"He's got to be here," Cable growled, walking past. "He was seen returning there a few hours ago."  
They all began to search. The X-Men were used to rummaging through secret bases, but it was Domino who first spotted the lever revealing the staircase plundering deep into the earth. The light switch didn't work. They descended into the dark, lit by a single flashlight. Once there, Cable swept the room with it. 

"Looks like an old Hydra base," Negasonic hissed. 

"Not a Hydra base," Wade protested right behind their backs. "The X-Force base!"

He lit the room. The first thing they noticed was the "Welcome X-Force 3" banner written in red and black. They sighed and whirled around. Wade stood next to the switch, wearing only a pink apron. He held a feather duster in his hand. 

"How come you're already here? I only sent the invitations this morning, and I didn't even have your addresses, I had to send everything to Charles Xavier's. I would never speak ill of the American post again, you never know, it could give Trump the idea to reform it, but we're not ready for the opening yet. I'm so happy to see you all! Let me kiss you."

"I pass."

"No, thank you."

"Put on some pants."

Wade didn't listen to their protests. He tried to give them a collective hug. It took the combined forces of Colossus and Cable to keep him at bay. 

"Explain", asked Cable who was getting angry.

"I thought it would be a good idea to try this X-Force thing again. I read your accomplishments in the papers, but you could do so much more with a team. Look in your comic book series, it works really well!"

"I don't have a comic book series."

"Not yet," Wade promised conspiratorially, "but if you have a great team, that will change very quickly. So, I thought about reassembling the team and sent proposals to everyone. Wolverine, Fantomex, Rocket, Psylocke, Feral, Cyrene, everyone who was part of the old team in the comics. It's more seller for the fans. Wolverine, I had to. He's everywhere. And I like a beautiful Canadian accent, even imitated by an Australian. But I did it right. I checked the background of each candidate to verify that there is no sex offender. It will be a me-too friendly team, promise, swear, spat, rip my arms off if I lied. And we're also aiming for parity! If there are too many men, we'll draw lots to see who we kick between Colossus and Cable. But as I still hope to hit them both, maybe we'll kidnap some female X-person to force her into the team. The biggest problem is the inclusion of minorities. Still, the X-Men have been a metaphor for the struggle for black and queer rights since 1960, it wouldn't be nice to accuse us of being a little too white. But, well, some have criticized the Fox for having made Domino a black woman, there'll be some who'll criticize us for not having done it for Cable. We'll work on it. Come in! I hit many Hydra's goons to get this address and keys to this bunker, I need to show you everything."

The team sighed. 

"At least that explains the pasta and toilet paper," Negasonic whispered when Wade turned his back. "Let's be honest, it could have been a lot worse."

The others nodded wisely. They obviously had no choice but to follow Wade, all excited to introduce them to their base, while trying to look everywhere except the too large area of bare skin he was revealing to the world. They were there for that anyway, to occupy Wade and force him to think of something else. So they looked at the rooms he had prepared, the training rooms, the kitchen …

"So, do you like our little home?" Wade asked, spinning around in the kitchen where they finished their visit. "Of course, there's still some work to be done. I thought of a light blue for the hangar, but I haven't had time to take care of it yet. I'm so glad you guys and girls are here! You don't imagine how much!"

His voice almost broke on those last words. He tried to grab Cable's ass for comfort. The others exchanged an embarrassed look. Wade really needed help. They understood the attacks on the Hydra now, but there were a few real suicide attempts in the mix. Yukio sent an encouraging look to the others. 

"Very good work, Wade," Colossus applauded slowly. "Well done."

"We can work from there," Cable agreed. "Install a communication room, an infirmary, a workshop..."  
If Wade were a dog, he would have wagged his tail at these compliments. No one dared to look at what was going on under his apron. 

"I was thinking of attacking an AIM base to steal their electronics next week," he explained, "but I don't know much about that. My speciality is katanas and bursting the kneecaps to obtain information. But in the last base, I found even better, come on."

He dragged them into the next room, flipped the switch, and shifted to give them a chance to admire the arrangement. 

"Admire! A giant flatscreen, a popcorn maker and the most comfortable sofas in New Jersey. Perfect for movie nights like the Avengers do."

"I'm pretty sure the Avengers don't have a movie night," Domino said.  
"What? Fanfics lied to me? There is no Thursday cinema at the Avengers Tower? Then you'll tell me that they don't do a Saturday orgy either!"

"I'm pretty sure they don't."

"Probably because they're already past Civil War," Wade sighed. "Timelines are so confusing when your rights are owned by different studios... But look at this screen quality. It can offer maximum immersion for any porn."

There were screams of protest, but no one managed to stop Wade before he turned on the television. The relief was evident when they saw that the television was tuned to a 24-hour news channel. Then they realised what the presenter was talking about and they went white. The presenter explained that New Jersey was confined to fight the coronavirus epidemic. 

It was March 21st. They really should have started looking seriously for Wade sooner.  
At the end of the announcement, Wade turned off the television, and they stood there for a little while, frozen. They knew disaster was close, but in fact, it was on their doorstep. The few X-Men's phones began to vibrate. The message achieved to kill their last bit of hope. 

"Professor Xavier asks all X-Men to respect quarantine as much as possible and only return to the mansion if their lives are threatened," Negasonic summed up. "People have already found a way to accuse mutants of being the origin of the virus or of being super propagators. Better to avoid giving them more reasons. It's not going to be good to be a mutant alone on the streets. Even less than usual."

"Very well!" Wade exclaimed. We'll do our duty as US citizens or US residents. We'll remain confined! You'll be glad I planned for that, you'll see! I've gathered half of the state's toilet paper stocks. And I was right. I can guarantee you that Xavier wouldn't have thought about it and with the amount of hormone-pumped teenagers living in his mention, he'll regret it very quickly. At least they won't have too much of a problem with distance learning, but I don't know what's worse: being confined with your students or being confined with your teachers. Also, we have enough pasta to last eight months, and there are bottles of hydroalcoholic gel in the cupboards of each room. Everyone uses it, even metal people. I'm serious. I checked, there's no particular contraindication. Domino is lucky, she should be able to escape contamination even if she slept with all the residents of an infested retirement home, but we're not going to take the risk. I'll be in charge of supplies. I'm going to get dressed, and we make the list of the next grocery shopping. Give me a list of what you want to eat and all of your allergies!"

He stormed out, letting the others recover from all of those emotions. It was hard to realize they were meant to confine themselves with Deadpool for an indefinite period. Some would have said it was a fate worse than death. 

"Is it me", Negasonic finally asks, "or is Wade the only one who really prepared for the prospect of confinement?"

No one knew what to say to her. 

As it turned out, Wade was indeed the only one in the little superhero, villainous and mutant community who had prepared for it. Everyone else had been caught off guard and hadn't anticipated anything until the last minute. It was probably the Canadian common sense. 

"It's going to be very long," Colossus sighed. 

Very long. At that point, they could still have left discretely. None had the heart to do so.  
Another error. 

Staying in Wade’s company for over three hours was usually considered a feat worthy of Hercules’ Labors. Being in Wade’s company during quarantine was beyond anything bearable for the human mind. The X-Force team held out for three days thanks to a mixture of earplugs, yoga, and a rotation system to get a few hours of privacy per day. Surprisingly, none of the people contacted by Wade to integrate X-Force answered, apart from Wolverine who sent them a one word text: “losers”. So they were definitely alone to deal with the Deadpool problem. On the third morning, they sat in brooding silence at the dining room table. Everyone had the vague impression of having shared the same hangover since the television announcement. 

They could hear Wade making pancakes through the kitchen door. He was singing Celine Dion at the top of his lungs.

“I can’t take this anymore,” Negasonic sighed. “I need to get out before I explode anything other than Wade’s stupid face.”

“It’s worse than torture,” agreed Colossus.

There was a hole in the wall where he’d hit his head in despair earlier. To his chagrin, the wall had cracked way before his skull.

“I’m sure there must be a way to kill him permanently,” Cable thought.

Maybe with one of those power-suppressing necklaces. Negasonic sneered.

“It would be more believable if you hadn’t saved his life two years ago. Everyone knows you like him.”

“And I’ve regretted my act every second since,” Cable lied.

He had a weakness for this crazy Wade. Everyone has their flaws. His excuse was that he found Wade’s madness strangely refreshing. He was always doing the unexpected. For a telepath like him, even the people you care about most get boring after a while.

“We could go and leave a note?” Suggested Yukio.

“We can’t. There are no windows, and the walls are dense. Unless you’re ready to go get the new hangar key where Wade’s hiding it in his prisoner’s wallet.”

Russel was a terrible influence on Wade. Fortunately, he was confined to the Xavier Institute. They had enough problems like that.

“We can’t leave Wade,” Domino sighed, sitting down. “I just suggested doing the shopping for once. He said it himself, with my luck I’m probably immune.”

“And?”

“He’s he still singing?” Domino asked, pointing out the sudden silence in the next room. “He almost burst into tears. Dear Wade is terrified that one of us catches the virus and dies. We’re lucky he cried in my arms because, apart from Yukio, none of you would have reacted well.”

“It’s unhealthy codependency,” Cable commented. “It’s a virus. People will die, it’s inevitable. The worst is yet to come.”

“As I said,” Domino cut him off. “You would have made the situation worse. Wade is afraid that we’ll all die like Vanessa and that he’ll be left alone forever. Did you notice that he only wears his costume to go out, that he washes it separately, and washes his hands twenty times a day? He didn’t notice that I borrowed his phone, but I just looked at it. He has fifteen virus alerts. His last three research is on making homemade masks. Suggestions?”

They all bowed their heads in embarrassment. Wade had annoyed them to a point where they hadn’t considered what he might be feeling in those circumstances. They came to help him, but immediately gave up. Wade could only die of old age unless his cancer overwhelmed his self-healing power. Of course, he worried about them.

“We’ll keep him busy,” Negasonic said with authority. “We’ll make him think about other things than the virus. And for that, we go to Plan B. We find someone for Wade. It will calm him down, and maybe he’ll be a little less on our backs. The question is: who can do it?”

“Please don’t make me do this.”

“I’d rather die.”

Colossus spoke first, raising his arms in pleading. Cable was a few seconds behind. He crossed his arms threateningly.

“I’m very happy with my girlfriend,” Yukio smiled at Negasonic.

They all turned to Domino.

“I’m too lucky to end up with a poor guy like Wade, even though he’s strangely endearing. But we all are lucky because I have a secret weapon.”

She took a broken screen phone from her pocket.

“Wade’s phone? How is it a secret weapon?”

“The secret weapon is that I guessed the password of his tinder account. And above all, I have a code that it was agreed should never, ever come into Wade’s possession. A code that unlocks the ability to access profiles of mutants and superheroes looking for someone in the community. If I enter the code on his phone, we should have two or three positive matches with my luck. And There you go.”

She described what she was doing and turned the phone back to them, showing them that someone had just contacted Wade again.

“I didn’t know Cyrene was that kind of girl,” Negasonic commented, looking at the profile. I learned something today. Good job. That should distract him."

Wade arrived with the pancakes. It was hard to be sure with his ravaged face, but he looked like he had cried a little. They pretended not to have seen anything and listened wearily Wade tell them about the debate on chloroquine in France and praise a certain Doctor Raoult. Wade thought he was the only potential competitor to Cable for the new messiah of the 21st century’s title.

Later in the evening, they found him frowning at his phone.

“Looks like I matched Cyrene on tinder. I thought they kicked me out of the app.”

“And you like Cyrene?”

“Yes, but it’s weird, she’s not part of the MCU and is not in the Fox movies. I didn’t even know what she looked like in this universe. I know we had an adventure in the comics, but I wonder why she appears now.”

“You got lucky?” Domino hid her smile.

Wade frowned a little more.

“Doesn’t happen often, right? Hey, serious question. Do you think I should answer?”

He took the bait. That was a relief. Game, set and match.

“It’s good to be faithful and to mourn Vanessa,” Colossus said, “but she would like to see you move on. The people we love don’t want us to hurt ourselves out of love for them. This is how we recognize that they really love us.”

“I have to think about it. I know we agreed to watch Cher’s last concert together, but can you watch it without me? I’ll think about it, and probably masturbate looking at Cyrene’s profile pictures, because, wow.”

He left the room without taking his eyes off his phone. The door closed and Yukio and Negasonic high-fived. The other members of X-Force talked about bringing out the beers and vodka to celebrate. It was going to be a great night.

Unfortunately, they all forgot something. Wade was smarter than most people thought. They made mistakes after mistakes and never learned. Wade hadn’t closed the door: he stood right outside and listened to the others congratulate each other for helping him. They wanted him to get over his grief. It was nice to see they cared. Wade listened to them for a moment, then nodded in a kind of wise way.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a superhero with a big dick must want to fuck. However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a new team, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of his teammates, that he is considered the rightful property of one of them. Well, I’m more of a Lizzie Bennet myself. But if so, who’s Mr Darcy?”

He looked around his teammates, paused for a moment on Domino’s breast and Colossus’ butt, before blissfully admiring Cable’s muscles as he opened a can of beer.

“We must copy Captain America’s costume team and force him to only wear T-shirts one size too small for him. It works so well for Chris Evans.”

And if he’s Mr Darcy, I’m okay with being his Elizabeth and even wearing empire bustiers. I’m sure it would enhance my hourglass figure. Even better if it’s the version with zombies.”

As the others settled down on the sofas, oblivious to his presence, he slipped away. He closed the tinder app on his phone while returning to his room, without even looking at it.

The X-Force members were eager to see their plan’s effects. There was nothing else to do in their headquarters. They trained, checked social media, and kept up with the Covid news. Wade’s love life was a pleasant change of subject. They still manage to behave. Barely, for some of them, but still. They said nothing for a week. As Wade said nothing, they observed his behaviour for clues. Had he made more effort to dress lately? He’d asked Cable to check if his new shower gel made his skin softer. That must mean something. Yukio and Nagasonic were the most involved in the story, the former because she felt Wade deserved happiness, the latter because she proclaimed nothing was more fascinating than an accident on the freeway. The others were just pretending not to be interested. Colossus was the first to break one day when Cable and he helped Wade put away the groceries. He always froze when someone offered to go with him, but at least they could help him after, as long as they put gel on their hands eight or nine times.

“So Wade, how are things going with Cyrene?”

“Cyrene? It didn’t work. It would never have worked.”

“I’m sorry.”

Wade held up his hand in a gesture to say he was okay.

“I’m sure I’ll find someone someday. I know I’m as ugly as a crashed avocado on the freeway, but people love me anyway, right, Cable?”

Cable rolled his eyes and grabbed another toilet paper’s pack. They had a room full of it now, but Wade was determined to model his behaviour on America’s worst.

“You have your moments.”

“Thank you.”

“They’re rare.”

“Thank you. I have a gift for you.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a thin, poorly wrapped package. Cable froze. You could expect anything from Wade, filthy and unpredictable things mostly. It was better to found quickly what it was. He tore off the wrapping paper.

“A mask?”

“The president says they’re useless, which means they’re vital. I’m sewing masks for everyone. I made one for me too. The goal is to have five or six each when quarantine is over. By then, superheroes may have finally learned to wear the mask over their mouths and not over their eyes. Really, does only Spider-man and me to worry about public health?”

Wade showed example and immediately put on the mask he had kept in his pocket until then. It was a black one with two words embroidered: “suck me”. Cable rolled his eyes and tried to ignore Wade’s suggestive mouth sounds. Instead, he unfolded his own mask and refrained his sigh of relief when he saw it was quite sober, blue with the words “Jesus. 2.0, biceps included” in yellow. Wade Wilson’s humour. He could have been much, much worse.

“Thank you”, he answered sincerely.

He was not aware that he had just given Wade his permission to seduce him. The worst mistake so far. The following week, Wade gave everyone three masks. Some were covered with small red spots, a sign Wade could still improve his sewing.

Cable received nine masks. Negasonic and Yukio raised a similar questioning eyebrow in his direction. He shrugged. None of his masks had a sexual message, so he considered himself lucky. Maybe too lucky, he told himself as he saw that each Colossus mask had a dirty message or design on it than the last. Wade’s behaviour was hiding something, but he couldn’t see what. He forgot to think about it as they returned to practice. That was the only thing they could do. By the end of the lockdown, X-Force would be a group to be reckoned with.

That evening, Wade came to sit close to him in the living room, when they were alone, putting his ravaged face far too close to him for his liking. Cable said nothing, as he had seen worse in the future. He continued to take care of his equipment, which direly needed it. He wanted to be alone but didn’t object to Wade’s visit. After all, he was there because he felt a little guilty about the way they had left him alone for so long.

“What are you doing?”

“You can see that. I’m cleaning my guns.”

“Oh, yes, I can. It’s quite sexy. You know you can shoot me. Preferably right in my ...”

“Wade. What do you want?”

Wade shrugged.

“I thought we could do something together. The girls have a manicure, and Negasonic threatened to blow my parts off if I stayed. Colossus is having a Skype apéritif with his family in Mother Russia. We could do something together."

“Really? Like what?”

“Something fun. We could read Trump’s tweets together to see him sink into madness. Turn on the information and take a sip every time someone says the word chloroquine. Watch Batman VS Superman for fun because our movies are so much better. Go to alt-right forums and say Kamala Harris and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez are the best politicians of the decade. Watch parliamentary channels and seek the next target of your saviour-messiah-terrorist wrath. That’s the new Netflix-and-chill.”

Cable chuckled and reassembled his rifle.

“Sounds fun, but no thanks.”

Wade nodded and left silently. Cable went on with his work, a little surprised to see Wade accept the rebuff so easily. Unfortunately, he wasn’t. A few minutes later, Wade was back, his arms loaded with guns and pistols that he dropped to the floor. The merc sat on the floor and started cleaning a gun. The silence lasted a good three minutes before Wade broke down and started to say everything that came through his brain again. Cable sighted, but it wasn’t too bad. After a while, Wade’s nonsensical speech formed a kind of comfortable white noise. Strangely, he didn’t see the time pass after that. At one point, Negasonic stuck her head in the room. Her fingernails were painted pink and yellow.

“Need some help?” she asked Cable.

“Everything is fine.”

“You don’t tell. Wade, break time is over. You can come back if you still want Yukio to put some polish on your feet.”

“But It’s nice here,” Wade whimpered. “Can’t we do it here?”

“Cable, you don’t mind?”

“I don’t see why that would bother me.”

Negasonic rolled her eyes. When she came back, Yukio was with her and giggled softly. After all, Cable sitting on the couch and Wade lying on the floor, cleaning their weapons was quite funny to see. It took them some time, but now they could see clearly the mercenary’s plot. He winked at them and mimed someone zipping their mouth. Cable himself saw nothing. There was something wrong with the trigger mechanism of his weapon. And he hadn’t lied either. Wade’s presence had long ceased to bother him. Every now and then he wanted to lock him up somewhere and throw away the key, but that was it. Given that most people who came in contact with Deadpool even once wanted to rip his tongue out and send him into the sun, you could really tell that Wade had his chance.

Cable, meanwhile, saw nothing coming. In many ways, despite his telepathy, Cable was as dumb as Wade. Maybe more.

“Well done,” Domino whispered to him the next day as they were the first to have breakfast. He nodded, believing that she was thanking him for keeping Wade busy the night before. He didn’t tell he had some fun, watching Wade get little viruses painted on his nails.

“Sometime, you’ve got to sacrifice yourself for the team once in a while,” he just said.

Despite her luck power, Domino nearly choked on her coffee. Cable continued his lunch quietly, then went to take a shower. Along the way, he passed Negasonic, who looked him up and down and sneered.

“I imagine the techno-virus must have gone to your brain.”

“No, I control it quite well these days.”

“So it must have gone lower.”

Yukio, who was coming up behind her, stumbled and missed a step. Cable helped her up as she giggled. After he helped her up, she ran off, followed by Negasonic. He didn’t have time to ask them what they were up to, nor to seek in their mind for the answer. He avoided doing it too much anyway, out of politeness. All he wanted was to take a shower without being disturbed. When he came back, he met Colossus, who talked on the phone. He didn’t saw Cable coming.

“Don’t laugh, Wolverine. You’re not the one who’ll have to tell Cyclops this.”

Wolverine’s laugh could be heard even from across the hall. Nathan frowned at the mention of the name of one who might one day be his father.

“You still haven’t told him about X-Force?” he asked Colossus.

Colossus jumped, making the hallway shake. Wolverine laughed even harder, preventing Colossus from providing a clear and intelligible answer. Cable eventually gave up and went to the base shooting range. He was starting to sense that something was off.

There was a videoconference between X-Force and some X-men. No one informed Cable and Wade, of course. After a few hours, they reached a consensus. One, these two together were the most hilarious story since Magneto first appeared in public in his purple and pink suit. Two, if Cable wanted to make Deadpool his problem, it was now his exclusive problem, thank you very much, it was very kind of him. Ergo, that X-Force let them fend for themselves and give them some space. X-Force agreed one hundred percent. They had been confined for a month with Wade Wilson, which, in the general opinion, was well worth beatification for service to the community.

It was easy to slip out in a large underground base like theirs and leave two fools alone. Even if it meant being confined with Wade, it wasn’t the worst place to be. At Mansion X, he and the students would have killed each other in less than three days. There was no one available overnight after the video conference to help Wade cook chimichangas or put away the last groceries. Cable had to devote himself. Wade took the opportunity to move his seduction to the next level. First, flowers. Then, chocolates. Then, ammunition boxes, surrounded by a satin ribbon. Then headless questions, usually during practice sessions.

“Do you think you’re more of a Darcy or a Rochester?”

“Cher or Celine Dion as the best singer in the world? I do not accept any other choice.”

“Would you prefer to receive an ear or a finger of your worst enemy?”

“What would suit me best for a first date: an empire dress or a crinoline?”

“Don’t you think the Mandalorian totally pumped his intrigue on the Messiah Complex? A lonely and disillusioned mercenary finds himself caring for a baby everyone is trying to kill. If I were you, I would go claim millions from Disney, even if it is not in our continuity!”

“Jesus: mutant or bastard of a Judean peasant with a good communication team?”

“Do you think Achilles was under or above Patroclus? And, unrelatedly, do you think you’re more an Achilles or a Patroclus?”

Cable always responded with a growl. If they were in training, he would strike him absently, with his flesh arm. It made Wade ecstatic. If Cable had had enough, he would have knocked him out with his metallic left fist. Over the days, Cable found it harder and harder to hide his amusement. According to Negasonic, this was an absolutely bizarre, stacked version of Stockholm syndrome, but she said it with a smirk.

Cable was no longer fooled, not since the first flowers. He let it happen. The situation amused him. Wade was infuriating, yes. But in Cable eyes, he was also fun, more than anything he had come across since arriving in the 21st century. Fun enough to make him forget for a moment everything he left behind. So he let it go. Sadly, he forgot one tiny detail. Wade did a lot of things just for fun, but he never half went there when it came to the heart. He was enjoying it too, but it couldn’t be enough. Flirting was a sort of shield, like when Colossus tried to sign him to the X-Men. Seducing was another matter.

Cable enjoyed the warm evening alone on the warehouse roof when Wade stepped in to block the sunlight.

“You don’t think I’m serious.”

“Get out of there, Wade,” Cable growled.

“Nice growl, Geralt of Rivia, but Henry Cavill is better at it than you. You don’t think I’m serious. I have a way to prove myself to you.”

He sat down on the floor and placed a glass of wine filled with a white liquid.

“I’m as serious as a presidential tweet: very serious, but probably wrong.”

“What did you put in this glass?”

“Didn’t you hear the president earlier? Drinking bleach cures covid. Or prevent catching it. So, to prove to you that I’m serious, I’m ready to have this drink. It’s a metaphor.”

It stunned cable for a few moments.

“What you’re saying makes even less sense than usual.”

“Because a metaphor has to make sense?”

Cable sensed a headache growing. He sighed and decided to spill the glass before the fool overdid himself once more. Wade caught him off guard and grabbed the glass. He brought it to his lips, threateningly.

“Do I need to be clearer? Please Cable, let me be the Jaskier of your Geralt, the Patroclus of your Achilles, the Sancho of your Quijote, the Rampa of your hormone-drunk Aziraphale!”

“Drop that glass.”

“I want a confession first.”

“You are not a priest, and I am not a sinner.”

Wrong choice of words. It gave Wade several ideas, mostly pornographic. The latter swallowed, smiled maliciously, but refused to be distracted.

“I’m serious as a nuclear missile. Serious as an assembly of senators. Serious as a Disney studio communication plan. Serious like....”

Cable straightened up and interrupted him with a kiss. Wade continued to try to speak for a moment before responding greedily to the kiss. Cable only agreed to let him go when he felt the mercenary gasping for air. He pulled away and took advantage of the few seconds of silence Wade gave him, still in shock. When the latter rubbed his lips with delight and raised a finger as if to speak, he decided to make some things clearer.

“You amuse me. It had been a long time since I had met someone who could distract me from my fight. The last time it happened, I ended up marrying the culprit.”

“I would make a fantastic bride in white. I demand the right to be escorted to the altar by Charles Xavier. I would have preferred Stan Lee of course, he’s kind of our father, but he permanently said goodbye to cameos.”

“I’m serious.”

“Me too. I have bleach in my glass. You are serious, I am serious, the global political situation is serious. What do we do now?”

“Tell me,” Cable smiled. “I’m sure you have some ideas.”

“I’m not an easy mercenary, Wade protested. “I seduced you...”

“And that’s a wonder.”

“I demand to be seduced in return.”

Cable rolled his eyes. Wade’s eye twinkled madly, which worried him a little. But he hadn’t come here hesitating to ask tough questions.

“And how someone could achieve such a feat?”

“Oh, just show me your...”

Cable cut him off with another kiss. He was already tired, just thinking about how many times he would have to use this method before the lockdown was over. He would have liked to remember how long exactly this one was going to last. Ten minutes later, as he lay on the roof and his grunts became moans, he still wondered whether he preferred a quick end to the quarantine or not.

Downstairs, the rest of the X-Force team raised their glasses to the success of their project. Things might have escalated along the way, yes. No one had predicted that ending. Still, Wade was feeling better, Cable was feeling better. If the price to pay was Cyclops’ sanity upon learning he was in danger of becoming the crazy mercenary’s stepfather, it was not a very high price to pay. Cupid is no longer an archer, Shakespeare would have said if he had seen the scene, for the members of X-Force were the only love gods.


End file.
